I really need to just...RANT...right now.

I'm in love with this guy. I know you guys are all going to say that it's either not love or it's dumb because he's long distance, but I didn't expect this to happen. We were friends for a while, even dated for a very short time, and then we lost contact and every so often we'd catch up with each other. Well, he came back into my life recently and we started talking every day. I was at a really tough point in my life and he always made me laugh and feel better about things, which was quite a contrast to my boyfriend who only made me feel more stressed out. He told me that he loved me, but I wasn't ready at the time to say anything of the sort back to him. All I was concentrated on was getting out of my job and my house (I was attacked by a roommate) and getting into my new apartment and getting a job.

About a month went by. I decided not to get a job in Morrisville. I realized I wasn't ready to make the compromises that my boyfriend wanted me to make to live peacefully with him. We were fighting nearly every time we tried to spend time together. It's hard living with someone else and I think it takes a lot of work mixed with some natural compatibility. We used to be really compatible but...I just changed and grew and he didn't change or grow in the same direction. I decided to live in Burlington with my mother, who had an extra room since my sister moved out. This was a temporary thing since I decided that what I REALLY wanted was to go back to school and that nothing was going to hold me back from it this time.

My mother, sister and I took a trip to Boston. My sister was visiting a friend at one of the colleges and my mom and I figured we'd go and have some fun while we were there. The drive down took about seven hours because we spent three hours in traffic on the 495 South due to emergency bridge work. While sitting there, the radio played Love Song by that Sarah chick and I realized those were exactly my feelings toward my boyfriend.

"I'm not gonna write you a love song because you tell me it's make or breakin' this if you're on your way. I'm not gonna write you to stay..."

All the mushy love songs I've heard lately have made me think of Juno Beautiful, my parakeet, whom I am enamored with. But a song came on and all of a sudden, I started thinking of the friend I mentioned earlier. I had thought about him once or twice earlier in the day, but as soon as he came into my head this time, I got a warm feeling all over and butterflies in my stomach and I just couldn't push him out of my head! We hadn't talked all month long because I'd been busy and never online, plus my phone hadn't yet been transferred to the new place. I kept thinking about him and our history together. Everything we'd ever said to each other, every picture we'd seen, everything. I thought about all the little things I know about him that just make me that much more attracted to him. And that's when it hit me: Holy shit, I'm in love with him!

I'm in love with him. Sitting on the 495 South for three hours due to emergency bridge work, I admitted to myself, the most important person of all, that I love Phillip Thomas Caldwell. It's something that had been building up, that I refused to accept before. Every time I began to think about it, I pushed it out of my mind. It was probably building up slowly for years and I never even knew it until it was right upon me. And all of a sudden, I felt freer. I couldn't wait to talk to Phil to confess my love for him and to tell him that as soon as I had all my stuff out of the apartment, I would break up with my boyfriend and then we'd be free to do as lovers do. I got one reply to a text message that said he's been busy. No other responses, and no answer to any calls. I called Phil from the hostel and left a message that talked about how I was in Boston with my mother and at the end I included, "I love you." It was all new, something I'd never said to him before and it felt so good! I couldn't stop thinking about how he would react when he heard it and I was SURE I would get a call back, asking me about what I'd said.

I waited. There was no call back. On the drive home from Boston, we got stuck in a snowstorm. After we slid and almost hit a guard rail, and stopped to help multiple people that had gone off the road (on the freeway!), we decided to stop and find a hotel in West Lebanon, NH. As soon as we got in the room, I called my boyfriend and told him I had to stay an extra day because of the weather. Then I called Phil and oh my! He actually picked up! It was really noisy in the background though and he was at work; he said we could talk Monday or Tuesday. I said okay and apologized for bothering him while at work. We hung up.

When I got back to Vermont on Sunday night, I was able to talk to Phil online. He had friends over and was not paying much attention to me, but I guess I was taking him away from his friends so I couldn't ask for more. He got the general idea that I was leaving my boyfriend and that I had strong feelings for him, though I wouldn't tell him the full story online. I wanted him to hear my VOICE saying it. So we decided that Monday we would talk between his classes.

Monday came and Phil called me right as I walked in the door. I told him that I was having lunch with my mom, but that it wouldn't take too long and I'd call him back after. He said it was fine because he found out he had a math test on Tuesday and was going to try to drop in on math tutoring. I tried calling him back after lunch, but it went to his voicemail so I left him a message and told him good luck on the test, and that we'd see if we could get a hold of each other after nine.

Nine came...and went...and still no sign of him. I thought that today I'd be able to get a hold of him somehow, but I haven't had any luck. I went on his facebook today and it said that as of yesterday, he had listed himself as in a relationship. This worries me because he had previously said that he started talking to a girl while I had "gone missing" for that month. I'm scared that she got him because a) she is there and b) We just couldn't find a time to talk. I went to the store today and got a big piece of RED posterboard so that I could create a work of art that represents how I feel with Phil. I had to do something or else I would go CRAZY living with my boyfriend. I chose red because it's something I haven't done art on before and it's also the color of passion, daring, determination, and red-hot love. I thought those things represented my relationship with Phil pretty well. Mainly, I knew I couldn't release my happiness about being in love with Phil while living with my current boyfriend, so I decided I had to release it through art and that way he wouldn't know what it meant to me.

I have a logical side of me that is telling me to wait until I meet him. Just work toward meeting him and then if it works, it does and if it doesn't, at least we know that. And then I have the crazy side of me that just wants to jump into this head first. But both sides of myself are happy for me. Happy to be getting out of my current relationship (which really has gone to shit) and also happy to finally be able to admit that I have feelings for Phil. I want to smile but I am afraid to smile in front of my boyfriend because he'd ask what I was so happy for.

For the first time in over a year, I know what I want for sure and I am willing to do the work to get it. I want to go to school for veterinary medicine. I was looking at a few things, such as fashion design and wedding planning, but when it comes down to it, I think those are all shallow and I want to do something to try to make the world a better place. I want to finish training my parakeet, Juno. I want to move all my stuff and get out of this house so I can just have a clean break with Dylan. I want to meet Phillip and I want to kiss him and I want to be able to lay with him and I want to fall asleep and wake up next to him. Hell, I want to be able to talk to him.

"The more I get of you, Stranger it feels, yeah..."
I'm just so nervous that he found someone he thinks is better for him than I am.